Freakin hilarious…

For the last four nights, I’ve been having semi-nightmarish dreams to do with Cindy. I do not know why it started.

The dreams were all different, but the theme was the same. We would be fooling around or about to, but in every dream, she would say, “We really shouldn’t do this” and end up doing it anyway. That was pretty much how it was when we tried breaking up over the course of our super rough relationship. I mean, it started out as a fling which turned into something else, but that’s the thing - was it really a fling at the beginning? I think I could safely say that it was and it wasn’t.

We met through Carlo, kind of. It was a going-away part at Red Robins for Roger in August 2004. We talked and I invited her to go bike riding with us. Carlo, Cindy and I rode the Ditchmond 40k a few days later and I remember I had to stay with her as she wasn’t a fast rider. I also remembered riding behind her in some instances and noticed she had a damn fine ass. After that, we exchanged numerous emails, talked a bit on the phone, met up a few times and eventually got intimately involved in December of that year. We just had a lot of sex, went out with my friends to various venues and we rarely saw her friends. It was just us and my friends. It was cool. Well, the rest of that story is history as you all already are familiar with it.

Today would be a bit more than two and a half years later since we broke up. So what’s going on here? Of course, there aren’t many people on this planet that I’ve had the chance to meet, experiment with and talk to that match me sexually and Cindy matched me sexually. She made an excellent lover in the beginning, then she turned evil. Then that was that. The way it was, was that it seemed like there were two sides of her. There was the suppressed side and there was the side where everyone sees. Every now and then, I would see the suppressed side of her try to break out and show me a bit of ‘love’. Of course, the act of ‘trying’ can really be anything. It might now even have been that she was trying to do it for our or my sake. She could easily have done it to satisfy or to counter the evil part of her.

Was she a bad girl? From an outsider’s point of view, she was. To me, she was not a trustworthy person. Not because she wasn’t reliable, but because she was solely protective of herself.

Anyway, hopefully, I won’t have anymore dreams about her tonight. Mind you, the dreams where she frequents may not necessarily really be about her. She could very well represent something else in my life. That’s how dreams work - at least, most dreams.

Love is a selfish thing. With love, the single absolute thing about it is that you always want. Of course, with love, you want to do things for your love interest or for your loved ones. Why? That’s because whatever you do to aid in their happiness and satisfaction, satisfies your desire to always want.

So, if what you always want cannot meet the satisfaction of the people or the person you give your energy, time and love to, then it simply means your desire to always want is not met.

However, to keep this as simple and clear as possible, I believe in love because it is you who choose the way you wish to approach life and the world. As you approach life and the world, you make the choices that put you in certain situations - possibly with the help of a friend or a family or someone else or some occasion. People cheat for many reasons. Even you are capable of cheating to varying degrees, but that doesn’t mean that you’re incapable of finding ‘true love’. It simply means you haven’t found it yet.

At the very least, you haven’t found the connection that bonds you thoroughly.

People often talk about integrity and ethics. Of course, in religion, you hear about that a lot. The thing is, life is about trial and error. If you think about it: through any relationship, it always depends on how much you are willing to give out to try to achieve the things you want. So regardless of how much you give out, in fact, the universal truth of trial and error will always exist. Therefore, it is through your willingness to try and learn and filter out aspects of what you like and dislike, that will yield you outcomes that may work or outcomes that may not work as well.

In short: love is a technique that incorporates many shades of emotions. It is only through experiences that we can come to a realization on how to get the things we want. Basically, love exists because we will always want. Two people in love means that person A has the technique of love and person B also has the technique of love. Two people who wish to express their love towards each other creates a bond. People don’t usually see this, but love is a singular thing. It is a personal thing.

Love isn’t something given to you. Love is something you create within yourself. What you give out, is an expression of that love. Therefore, reciprocation, interaction, consideration and reaction is an entirely different thing than love itself.

For those familiar, the title is indeed a tribute to Hotfoot’s “Twilight’s Breath”. I first got this tune off of DopeDesign. Unfortunately, that site became defunct a few years back. It was a great site with a great community.

Here’s the tune:

Earlier today, oops, I mean yesterday, I went to the doctor’s to get my bi-weekly shot. As I went into the office, I said good morning to the two secretaries and sat down. I noticed a rather pretty girl sitting diagonally across from me. I did not stare. A couple of glances was enough to satisfy a ‘curiosity’.

One of the secretaries called out her name to tell her that it was her turn. Cecilia is her name.

At that moment, I thought, “A pretty name to a pretty face.” Then I imagined the type of lifestyle and the type of boyfriend or husband she might have. After that, I thought nothing more on it and waited my turn.

I have to say, my family doctor is always late. Why does the secretary put me at 9:55am when the doctor comes in at 10:10am?

[sigh]

The last couple of weeks had been headache after headache. The work I have been doing for AT was initially fine, but as I got to know the project manager more and more, I found out that he does not know how to communicate clear instructions. What could have been an ‘easy’ job turned out to be one massive headache and because of this and amongst other things, I’ve been putting off most people whom have been calling me and asking me to go out, etc.

Carlo called me once or twice every weekend for three weeks until I finally texted him why I didn’t answer his calls. The problem is that I have a mock web site to do for Ryan’s girlfriend, a meeting with Gabe for his massive web project, this headache, my own portfolio which I still need updating (www.leemancheng.com) and my hobby site (www.mmogftw.com). So those are the ‘current’ projects I need to do. Then I have to get back to a few people.

My gosh. This fucking sucks.

Laura texted me the other day. I didn’t even have the energy to text her back. Then there is Pat’s thingy on Sunday. That means tomorrow or I mean today will be one heavy duty work day. I think I’ll start with Ryan’s gf’s site first, play some games, watch an anime, mb, then do a couple of card sets for AT.

Another conversation with myself…

Me: (sighs)
The other me: (sighs)

Me: When things become a little better, it always sinks back to neutral.
The other me: If anything, your astrological program dictated that when your parents made you. So this is your fate.

Me: Indeed.
The other me: Other people can say that you can change yourself, thus changing your situation but that isn’t who you are. What you are, who you are isn’t what happens after you change but rather what you will always be.

Me: I do not disagree. It’s just that, if I did not have to do the things I am responsible for… Rather, if I did not have to do these things, my life would be so far out there right now. I would be on my two thousand dollar road bike, cycling every day and training myself to go on a tournament or a race of sorts. I would be on a flight right now or even just exploring Japan with Pat and taking in the sights and sounds. Not even that, I would be saving up money and looking forward to buying my own place or even my own car. Yet, I can’t.
The other me: Well, you can. You just need to change your situation by changing yourself. If you change your situation by changing yourself, what you may become will still be you but you will also change other aspects of yourself. Other obstacles will come into play. You will become even more calculating. Is that what you want?

Me: I cannot abandon my friends.
The other me: Then don’t change. Stay neutral.

Me: I’m sick of being neutral. I’m sick of being in this rut. I’m sick and tired of making more and then going back down to zero every single friggin time.
The other me: You have three viable choices. 1) Change yourself, thus change your situation. 2) Stay neutral. 3) Give less and take more. (more…)

So I be written in the Book of Love,
I do not care about that book above;
Erase my name or write it as you will,
So I be written in the Book of Love.

-Omar Khayyam

Just as well, congratulations Connecticut!

I think over again my small adventures
My fears, those small ones that seemed so big
For all the vital things I had to get and reach
And yet there is only one great thing
The only thing
To live to see the great day that dawns
And the light that fills the world.

-an unknown Inuit

I just made a huge update in the “me” section. Good photos from Patrick and a nice blurb about me there.

Added 11/10/2008 - thanks Michelle :

Sure, Obama may not be an ideal president for many people. This includes at least one of my friends. However, Obama represents some great changes in the USA. Since Bill Clinton, the majority has voted in favor of George Bush for two terms and now, they’re placing McCain up there along with Obama.

From many of the news sources and private videos, I can see there are a lot of narrow minded / narrow sighted people in America. The few negative ignorances they have of him:

1) he’s black, therefore he will screw whites over
2) he has Muslim friends, therefore he is a Muslim terrorist
3) he wants to raise the taxes on anyone making over $250k/year to help small businesses and families stabilize by lowering theirs, therefore he is a Communist for his ‘Socialist’ ideals
4) he is pro-rights, therefore he is not Christian

Now, to correct all of you ignoramus folks: (more…)

Now for something a lot more light hearted, as my conversation with Spongey continues in the entry prior to this one. I can’t believe that I am ‘excited’ just imagining how she is ‘debating’ with me. Hopefully, Ben doesn’t ever read this.

/cough

So as you all can see, I have re-merged my old blog with my new one and reverted back to the old theme. You’re right, it IS a lot better. White is awesome and the contrast colours up top makes it complete.

For a long time now, I had been in a form of concentration and meditation. Just going through some things. Though I have had the chance to hang out with a few locals, I also wish to meet up with Kristl again, but there are things stopping me from doing so. There is also the matter of sending my hand-written letter off to Michelle that I never did. Who would have thought that using hand to write five pages of stuff is so damn difficult! Now, I just need to find wax crayons or pencil crayons to colour it up. Then there is also the massive email I need to send off to Jon. I’ll just wait until he comes back. (more…)

Not that long ago, I was engaged in a long and arduous debate on one particular person’s absolute faith and his condemnation on all other faiths and religions as the devil’s work. This unfortunately, enraged me. The debate was not to disprove the existence of his god but to counter how he views people outside the realm of his own beliefs. At the end of that long and arduous debate, it pretty much ended as it had started. In other words, it went no where.

For someone like him, it’s a wonder anyone can call that living. For me, I have a simple philosophy when it comes to living: “To be born, to live, to create meaning, to pass on that meaning.”

Life is not something anyone should question as to its meaning, but rather, something that you should build on. Like reputation, like experience, like the memories we hold dear - life is just that - a blank canvas in which we paint our lives onto. (more…)

How stupid it feels to have a second version to the original. It’s a wonder I continue to enter posts into this blog. The original post talked about sacrifice and leadership. Yet at those simple topics, I decided to unpublish them and render those thoughts useless. I wonder how many people those thoughts would have benefited others. Then again, how many people would benefit from these watered-down 2nd versions?

Ah, that is the absolute fallacy of my own consideration. I cannot publish my true thoughts for more than 30 minutes without feeling that I am doing something for those who do not deserve it. I guess what I can say to relate it in a fashion my readers may understand is this: in ancient times, an advisor’s words can be worth an entire kingdom’s security that no amount of gold and prestige can buy. Can I immodestly say that my words are worth an entire kingdom? Yes I can. Whether you believe me or not is not something I can sway you in. Only you can judge for yourself whether my words are worth anything for you. (more…)

Pat tells us that he wishes to travel, experience the world and witness with his eyes the things that happen every where. He will take his legs, his feet, his hands with him to fulfill that sort of desire one day for many days and nights. With him, he will bring his camera, laptop and other necessities to keep various moments immortalized forever digitally. He will have a fabulous and grand journey and he will meet many people and hear different languages and smell and touch and sense many different sensations.

Epic.

I dream of traveling. I dream of visiting places that will bring me visually intensive grandeur. I wish to walk, tread, take a stroll in places where it would give me a lot of spiritual integration and comfort. Allowing myself to be with everything that I can see would be an epically awesome thing to experience. However, I cannot. There are things I have given up on. Quite a many things - at least, in my perspective. (more…)

This was originally intended to be a reply at a blog about Code Geass R2’s ending. I decided to put it here, since I’m in control of excess here and spam will never be able to get pass the security I have up.

Just happened on this one blog about the ending to CG R2. I find that the ending of this series to be quite beautiful. Poetic in a raw sense. I think the correct word to use would be “epic”.

Everything from series 1 all the way to now makes complete sense and I am satisfied it ended this way. Zero lived up to his name from start to end. If anyone were to ever ask me, “Which fictional characters had given you a memorable experience?” I would have to say that Zero/Lelouch is one of them.

Things we wish to know, eg: what C.C. means does play a disturbing role in our minds, I’m sure, but they’re trivial and leaves something remarkable to remember by. Remarkable as in, “we’ll ponder on it over and over again until we get so sick of it that we want nothing to do with it”. Yet, it wouldn’t be so, because for those who have grown to appreciate this sort of anime/art piece(s), we’ll always remember it as one of the best anime ever created - no matter how some people may deem it “cliched” and “bland”. Looking past the surface material is often a component of anime - at least, anime with depth.

I have to applaud Gorō Taniguchi and Ichirō Ōkouchi for an excellent two series, as well as Hitomi Kuroishi for your beautiful voice and Kōtarō Nakagawa for making the music happen. Thank you.

Of course, with that said, I’m looking forward to getting my hands on legit Bandai DVD’s of both the first and second series.

I have to admit, I am a little superstitious. My mom asks me from time to time, “Do you have hope for [insert things here]?” and I find that I cannot bring myself to serve and counter her worries. I can’t bring myself to say that I have hope for [insert things here] and I believe I can succeed in whatever I/we do. I cannot bring myself to say that because I had learned to let go of hope. This realization became refined as I aged but to pinpoint a date when it started, I would have to say it came about in the two years after the fall of my first company. The two years after that allowed me to abandon things that are meaningless in practicality.

As well, I find that I am taking things more ‘politically’ correct as I age. There are certain words and phrases I try not to use in conversation with others and I try to never repeat them with myself. “I hope” would be the biggest one. “This is gay” would be another.

The other night, I told a friend that there are things I need to do, but I found out soon enough that I cannot not be who I am. Rather, I cannot not allow myself to be who I am expressively. If I try to make myself more reserved and less expressive, I find it difficult to do. Of course, I can be reserved depending on company, but when I am not in the company of outsiders, I am who I am expressively.

Michelle might wonder, “Why would you try to stop yourself from being who you are?”

There are things I need to achieve in order to secure a few things in my life as it is coming. To achieve that security, there are things I feel I must define, as well, refine.

Yet, when I am alone, I am that person or when I am with someone with a like-mind or a like-heart, I am that person. Mood maybe? Excess venting? In many ways I want to stay like that person but there are things and people that are in my way and I can’t get rid of them.

Sorry, I would have entered something earlier but I needed to clear my mind of excess.

I found the summer to be slightly warmer, but things have become colder for me on the inside. Of course, since Alex came back for the two or so weeks, I had a lot of fun connecting with old friends, new friends and continuing friendships, but I find that I have become more detached to them.

This summer, I had the chance to do a nice long ride with Ryan, Patrick and Albert. I like those sort of rides. They’re tough and challenging. It is a sole challenge. It’s not painful in the sense where I am not enjoying myself. It’s because I cycle a lot that whatever physical challenges I meet, I am prepared enough for it. (more…)

For me, beauty incorporates the shape of a person, the flow and expressive form that person exerts. Sexuality can be raw but still retain a foundation of spirituality.

Someone asked a question of looks and personality. Which would anyone choose over the other. Most people gave simple answers but I gave something that represented me more:

When it comes down to pen-pals, looks isn’t all that important per se. However, someone’s looks can define aspects of that person’s character. Of course, this is all dependent on their lifestyle and situation. Obviously, I’m not looking at the “wow” factor of a person’s physique and facial beauty, but rather the overall complexion, style and cleanliness of the person.

When it comes to intimate companionship, personality and looks is equally as important. I cannot choose someone solely based on personality or someone solely on looks. They both complement and complete each other. Mind you, by no means does this translate that I need someone who is ‘ZOMG gorgeous’ and have all the personality traits that (in)sane perverted men fantasize about. On the contrary, there is a series of factors that a person’s personality must be similar to or have that meet with the person’s looks.

To put it simply, it’s all about expressive form, shape and flow.

To cheer me up, my mom made me Apple Pear tong siu, which is a type of desert by boiling sliced up apple pears in water, baat hup, and white rock sugar. Which I’m going to get more now…

So much.

In fact, you can make tong siu out of any apple-like fruit. Pears are the best for their soft creaminess. Oranges aren’t that great.

Anyway, there is a lot on my mind but I refuse to talk to any of my friends about them. The question that remains with my readers is, “Why?”

The answer is that I know what my friends will say to me that I know already. So I keep my thoughts to myself. One thing that annoys me over the last decade is when I hear something that I already know, then hear it again and again and again from different people. So I tried and that’s what I get for following the advice of some of my friends to open up to them. (more…)

Albert once asked me would I want a lover that can sing or play an instrument. He seemed disappointed that I said I wanted a lover that can sing. Anyone can play an instrument and if played well, any professional can sound like another but the voice of a person can rarely, if ever be mimicked. Sure, as we age, our vocal cords become distorted but I will grow to the sound of my lover’s voice as it changes over the seasons. She may not sound the same as she once did but I will always be able to associate her voice to the singing I’ve been hearing all those years.

One thing that really annoys me is when people say something is “just a game”. What does “just a game” entail? That because it is “just a game”, people should automatically not get serious and laugh at everything that happens within a game?

If you play a game by yourself, maybe you can get away from taking it not too seriously and even then, that’s really dependent on your personality. Let’s say you do play a game with someone, the main goal of the game is what? To have fun? To win? To have fun and win? What about the loser(s)? Do they have fun and lose too? Rather, is the premise of the game to win and lose and have fun?

In fact, it’s not that complicated at all. People play games to pass time and to socialize. However, the aspect of simply passing time and simply to socialize stops when the game is no longer simply “just a game”. (more…)

The feeling is mutual. Wherever you go, where your eyes set its gaze, no doubt, you will feel that certain irregular pulse somewhere in your body. Do you mistake that as some minor physical ailment? Do you panic and go into a frenzy for a medical emergency? Rather, would you just stop looking out and look inside for a moment?

The most difficult thing I had to go through when entering public blogs was to express passion in certain areas. It was easy to exert a surface wind upon an ocean to create a tiny crater ripple, but to amass a huge storm, where would the fuel come from? The energy to produce such a force is massive and not easily initiated with the day to day happenings of simply getting older.

Of course, there is only so much external means one can use, to fuel the desires to set ablaze lingering aches and pains of the past before that same external mean starts to take a toll on yourself. It’s an unfortunate result.

Indeed, there are those who would drown their day to day sorrows until their minds rot into a festering pile of dying brain and liver matter. Then there are those who replace that means with something that common society deem ‘positive’ such as sports, new friendships, new hobbies, new things to extend one’s lifespan in the form of mental and emotional extension.

The question is:

If destruction is considered a negative thing, then when is death accepted as a positive thing?

The rhetorical q